A long and winding road

It's so weird, right? Having all these ideas in your head for a blog post, and then....................? That's right. I got nothin'.
 
I'll be driving home, or at the grocery store, or sitting on the couch, or at work...or wherever...and something will strike me as funny, or odd, or something will happen that only happens to me (See previous post: Freeway barricades anyone!?) and I'll think, "I'm so going to blog that!" (I know: pathetic, yes?) And it never comes to be. My poor little blog with the cute flowery theme just sits here. Collecting dust.
 
Believe it or not, this blog has been active since 2002. Until November 2003 it was under a different name, but it's been my outlet for six and a half years. I had just gone back to work after spending a year at home with H. She was still a baby and I was suffering from some serious depression. My new job as a receptionist at a computer company was good, except the part where my direct supervisor was a total tyrant (my mgr was awesome...the supervisor? Not so much)...so most of my posts were full of angst and uncertainty. D and I weren't married and at the time, under a lot of pressure from his family to "do the right thing" and get married (Because you know...being in a loving, committed relationship wasn't exactly "the right thing" apparently), we were struggling financially, and I didn't have any friends. Life was bleak. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes it's still not enough to make your life rosy and pink.
 
Blogging gave me such a great outlet. I had made a bunch of friends online through a Yahoo! Group called "The Online Wives Club" for women who had met their significant others over the internet. Some of them started blogging and I followed suit shortly afterwards.
 
I'm the kind of person who gets bored very easily. Ask my husband. He'll vouch for me. It seems like once a week I'll say, "Lets move to: -insert name of recently googled city-" If I get bored with my blog, I delete it. Not the address, but the archives...the template...the links...etc. I always save a copy of my posts to a word document, like a diary, so that I'll always have them, but sometimes I get bored and POOF - gone is the blog...or worse, I'll get paranoid that unwanted people have somehow figured out my weird codes and discovered my blog and are now stalking it. So I'll delete it just to give them the finger one last time.

I withhold a lot of information now though, so I won't be deleting this one. I don't post pictures of my family or our real names. The people in my real life that come here are people I've given the address to, if someone else were to find my blog, I probably wouldn't mind so much now. I would like to know who comes here, but I don't pour my feelings out like I have in blogs past, so I feel more confident that if someone found it, I wouldn't get all jumpy and delete it.
 
People ask me all the time, "Why did you delete your archives?" Hm. Because I'm blonde? Because I'm paranoid? Because I got bored? Because...because...because. Mostly because a lot of what I used to write was more personal, I went back one time and read it from the beginning and shocked even myself with some of the things I posted. In retrospect some of it was hurtful to my husband and some of it was about my struggles to cope with my sister no longer being in my life, things that today if read by them may or may not be hurtful. When I was writing those things though, I wasn't the same person I am today. I'd like to think I'm a more sensitive caring person than I was when I was in the darkest throws of my depression.
 
Blogging has been a great outlet for my depression, it was my venting spot when I needed a shoulder and didn't have any. I eventually did make friends in LA and didn't need to lean as heavily on my online friends as much, but I still enjoy it, still like writing and will continue. Maybe not as frequently or with as much "information", but it's still my favorite outlet.
 
(It's weird, but try typing and bend your head to watch the letters...it's fun.) (Ahem. Distracted. Sorry.)
 
Roll Call
If you read this post this far, leave a comment? So I don't feel like I'm talking to myself over here. Mkay? Thanks.